Back to the Beginning

So, it seems that I have strayed a bit from my intentions to blog regularly.  There are two reasons for this, and it is my intention not to let either of these reasons stop me again.  One is that my blog exposes me...the insecure pieces of my inner being....the pieces that only those closest to me are generally allowed to see.  The other is that the next steps in my process are very scary to me and have been sitting in front of me...looming larger and more formidably than the Great Wall of China, for most of my life.

Why is it that exposure is so frightening?  You'll all still love me if the things I write sound dorky, right?  And you'll all still love me if I mess up, right?  And you'll still love me if my voice shakes when I sing?  So why is it that it remains so scary to show myself?  And why is it especially scary to show myself to my own mom?  (Sorry mom, but I have to admit that I had a very hard time making myself blog when I knew you were reading it.  But you can go ahead and keep reading while I go through my process if you discover that I'm blogging again.  That will just be part of my process, too).  I don't know the answer to this question.  Maybe I'll never discover the answer, because maybe it won't be a question anymore.  Perhaps by taking my steps towards living my path, it will become an irrelevant ponderance of my past.

And, why does that Great Wall seem so large?  Can I shrink it down to a little row of bricks that I can step over?  Or better yet, do cartwheels upon?  I hope so. 

I find it interesting how blogging somehow helps me to find clarity and deeper understanding of my own hurdles.  Journaling does this as well, but it doesn't carry the depth for me that blogging does.  It is quite clear to me that the reason for this is that in order to do what I'm meant to do with my life, I need to expose myself.  My path requires it.  So the blog, like streaking naked through cyberspace, is it's own baby step in my process of learning to expose myself.  Scary.  Or as Christine would say...Not scary... Exciting and invigorating! (Maybe it really will help me to learn to take the emotion of fear and channel it into the sensation of thrill?  I'm workin' on it).

So, back to the beginning with me.  I started this blog with the intention of using it as a tool to assist me in living each moment of my life to it's fullest potential, of leaving my fear based "what ifs" behind me and of fulfilling the purpose(s) that I was given in this life.  I will find a way to live my path with joy, thrill and invigoration...and I hope you all will too!!