Doing away with the Doormat status

I've always hated confrontation, and in many cases will avoid it to my own detriment.  It's just so much easier to walk away from a difficult situation than it is to face it, with all the discomfort that comes along with it. The unfortunate thing about walking away is that by doing so I'm often cheating myself out of what I deserve, along with the beautifully relieving feelings that come from resolution.  I'm also frequently left with feelings of resentment and anger which can take a long time to dissolve.  I'm quite sure nothing good can come from harboring such feelings.

Yesterday I got a call from a guy who was, until recently, was a roommate of my neighbors across the street.  Let's call him....Bubba.  Bubba had an unfriendly parting when he moved out and so he, inspired by a multitude of ulterior motives which he disguised as nobility, informed me that the neighbors were the ones responsible for the hit and run accident my poor car suffered seven months ago.  Bubba was in the backseat of their car when it occurred.  To clarify, my car is technically totaled, being of little value to begin with, but I haven't had the funds to get it fixed.  It's missing a headlight and the hood only opens with a great deal of effort and trickery.  Now, these hit and run neighbors are people who I frequently talk with.  Neighbors who I talked to about my car being hit, in fact.  They had plenty of opportunity to own up the the accident and take responsibility.  They've opted not to.  When I first got the call from Bubba, I responded by saying that I was glad to know the truth so that I knew what kind of people I was dealing with in my neighbors, but that I was just going to let it be and not say anything.  I didn't want to stir up the pot and cause friction with people who I know will most likely be my neighbors for many years to come. 

Then last night I had a dream.  In the dream I talked to the neighbors about what had happened and they responded well, took responsibility, and got my car fixed.  It was such a fabulous and empowering feeling!  I woke up wondering why on earth I should just let them walk away from their responsibility while absorbing the loss myself JUST to avoid upsetting them.  It seems fairly ridiculous, doesn't it??  So, as you may have guessed, I've decided that I have to go have a conversation with the neighbors.  Ug.  I get a belly ache just thinking about it.  But, the sooner the better...right?  Maybe I'll call them right now.  Maybe...

Running Like the Wind

I've never been a runner.  There was a time in my youth when I enjoyed running short sprints, but long distance...never.  Every forced attempt at running would inevitably result in intense side aches, nausea and pain...especially, in later years, pain in my knee.  Saying that I've despised running is truly an understatement.

In 7th grade I went out for Track and Field with the intention of being a sprinter.  During the entire season, there was not one day at practice in which I was able to run the 1-2 mile warm-up without both feeling sick and having to walk a large portion of the distance.  I begged my mom, with no success, to let me quit, as I found my daily track practice to be unbearably torturous.  And do you remember when we had to run the dreaded mile in PE for fitness testing?  In 8th grade I actually ended up in the nurses office afterward because I believed myself so sick from the experience. 

On the flip side, I've been having a recurring dream for a number of years in which I can run like the wind.  I can run fast and endlessly.  I have intense strength and endurance.  When I run I almost feel as though I'm bounding across the sky on clouds.  It's pure bliss.  I feel like I've broken out of stifling confines that I didn't even realize I had only to have finally discovered complete joy and freedom.  (Is this what a runner's high feels like?  I want one!) 

I wonder what this dream means in my life.  Recurring dreams most certainly recur for a reason.  Is the message figurative or literal?

This entire train of thought occurred after my trip to the gym today.  I decided to forego my typical time on the elliptical in favor of the treadmill.  I was intending on walking and just doing a few short stints of running to get my heart rate up.  The crazy thing that happened is that after I started running (as slowly as one can possibly run, I might add) I didn't feel like I needed to stop.  I never got a side ache, I didn't feel nauseous, my knee didn't hurt.  I certainly didn't feel fabulous, however.  My calves burned and my hip wasn't particularily into it, though not completely against it, either. The miracle here is that I actually ran two miles without stopping!  I'm pretty sure that's the first time in my entire life I've ever done that.  It felt great...except for the vertigo I felt when I got off the treadmill, of course.

I wonder if I'll find a love for running which mirrors that of my dreams.  Or, will the blissful feelings of strength and endurance manifest in some other form.  I guess we'll start by seeing how my hip feels tomorrow.  :)

When the Real Work Begins

Well, it's 3:30 in the afternoon and I have, thus far, not made a whole lot of progress on my living each moment to the fullest yet today.  Taking a nap does sound fabulously appealing at the moment.  But, this is about the real work.  This not about taking naps when I'm not tired.  This is not about spending hours at a time playing backgammon and spider solitaire on my computer.  This is about pulling myself out of the habits that prevent me from growth.  This is about putting in the time and doing the work.  I've made the first baby step.  I deleted backgammon from my facebook account last week so I can't waste time playing it anymore.  Today, I will attempt to delete the rest of the games from my computer.  I shall remove the temptations....and likely be very annoyed with myself at some future time for having done so. 

I've made the discovery in the past and am currently in the process of rediscovering the fact that exercise does, in actuality, change my reality.  I joined a gym a month ago and have been pretty faithfully going to the gym 5 days a week.  The result is that I've mustered the energy to begin this blog and hopefully, the work that will accompany it.  It's a good start.  Do you know that the rumors about exercising are true??  It makes us happier and more energetic.  It lowers stress levels and makes us more able to envision and achieve positive things.  I will admit that I hate the gym every day before I go, and often spend many hours early in the day thinking about how I don't want to go.  I will also admit that I hate the gym even more while I'm there putting in the time.  But, I will also say that I love the gym immensely right as I'm coming into the homestretch with my workout.  And I love it even more when I come home with my seratonin high.  In order to ensure that I continue going to the gym, as I think it's a key for me achieving great things, I've signed up for 6 months of non-refundable weekly personal training sessions.  Now, I really can't stop!  I'm on my way.  In fact, I'm going to go to the gym right now!  (And, I commit to going to the gym first thing in the morning from now on).

The Beginning

We all come to this life with innate gifts.  I don't believe that these gifts are accidental.  They're all tools we need in order to fulfill our purpose in life.  And we need to fulfill our purpose in life in order to be, well, fulfilled.  And yet...here we are.  Or perhaps, here I am.  Doing everything except the very things I feel I need to be doing.  I've been talking about doing these things for years.  In fact, I've been talking about doing these things since some of  my earliest childhood memories.  And yet, with each passing day, and each passing year, I've come no nearer to actualizing my purpose.  I've actually moved farther and farther from it.  I put it off for this reason and for that reason.  I've got so many fabulous excuses for why I'm not doing anything worthwhile.  Every day I yearn for a life that I've been preventing myself from having.  I feel like a vital part of myself is missing.

So many of us do this to ourselves.  And why do we?  There are so many theories.  Simple procrastination?  I'm quite a master of procrastination, so that could certainly be a contributing factor.  Fear of success?  I've heard that one many times, but really, that theory has really never resonated with me.   I think we do it out of fear of failure and disappointment.  The fear of "what if."  What if I finally try and realize that I really can't do it and all my hopes are destroyed and I have nothing left to dream of??  What if I try and succeed and find out that it's really not all that great after all?  What if I try and make a fool of myself and expose the fact that I'm not perfect for all the world to see??  WHAT IF???  Well, what if?  That's the question.  And I intend to discover the answer.  Thus begins my journey through the confines of procrastination and fear.  Thus begins my journey to live each moment to its fullest, because I'm pretty sure that's a key component to truly finding joy and fulfillment in life.  Thus begins my journey to become the person that I came here to be.  Wish me luck!